I Don't Want to Go to Mexico
by writeallnight
Summary: Post ep/speculation fic for the end of "Ninguna Salida." When Deeks is injured during their mission in Mexico, Kensi spends time evaluating their relationship and the choices she's going to have to make.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This was going to be short and then it turned into something else so clearly I'm channeling all my pent up frustrations of not writing into one fic. Whoops! Ah well. Post ep/speculation fic for the end of "Ninguna Salida" because I cannot leave our team dead all summer long. Special thanks to chrisodonline over on tumblr for giving me ideas and helping me through some writer problems!

And if you're the anon reviewer who keeps posting hateful garbage on my fics, please just don't. This is a pro-Kensi place and if you don't like it no one's forcing you to read it, so move on!

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Kensi woke first. The smell of smoke and gasoline filled her nostrils and then choked her so her eyes flew open. She gasped and sputtered for air as she took in her surroundings. They were on fire.

She heard a groan and turned to see Sam coming to as well. "Sam! Sam! Wake up!"

She twisted in her seat, desperately trying to free herself of the seatbelt and the dash that had come crashing down on her body. Her head throbbed and there was definitely something wrong with her shoulder. She tried her earwig. "Eric? Nell? Hello?"

There was radio silence. Deeks was motionless from where he lay beneath her. Blood trickled from his nose and down his forehead. Kensi called to him as she struggled, "Deeks! Wake up! Come on!"

Sam was yelling at his own partner. "G! Hey!"

Kensi twisted around trying to see. "Is he all right?"

"Yeah he's coming around. How's Deeks?"

"I don't know!"

"We've got to get out of here before they come finish the job. Here," Sam wrestled his knife free of his belt and handed it to her as he continued to try and rouse Callen.

Kensi slashed away at the bindings tying down herself and her partner, shoving them out of the way.

"Can you get the door open?" Sam asked

She eyed the opening. "I'll try."

She braced her feet and heaved up with all her might. Nothing.

Gunfire sounded nearby and the flames flared even higher. She heard Sam swear and then double his efforts to wake up his partner. "G I am not carrying your ass out of here."

Kensi shoved again and this time the door moved with a heavy creak. She reached down and grabbed the back of Deeks' shirt but he was too heavy to pull from this angle. Callen finally came to and immediately realized the danger they were in. "Kensi go!"

"I can't get Deeks out!"

"I'll get him. You and Sam get out of here!"

"I'm not leaving him!"

But Sam was already pushing forward, forcing her up and out of the vehicle. "Stay down!" he ordered as he pulled himself back up to help G retrieve their unconscious agent.

Kensi stayed low, her eyes scanning the area for any sign of trouble. She grabbed Deeks' pack from the back and a couple weapons, anything that still looked usable. Sam limped back from the car as Callen lowered Deeks down to the ground. "We need cover," he said.

"There," Kensi pointed to a shack, half hidden in the hills probably once used to house goats or other small animals. It wasn't the most defensible, but it would have to do for now.

Callen got Deeks in a fireman's carry and they hustled toward the building. Kensi took up the rear providing as much cover as she could until they got inside.

"I'll watch the door," Sam said, his face tight with pain as Callen lowered Deeks onto the dirt floor.

"Why isn't he waking up?" Kensi asked, trying to tamp down her panic.

"I don't know." Callen was digging through Deeks' bag for anything usable. "Sam how are we looking out there?"

"All clear for now," Sam said, wincing as he shifted his leg.

Callen glanced up. "You all right?"

"Fine."

His face said otherwise. Callen tossed Kensi a roll of bandages. "Get him cleaned up."

"What about Deeks?"

"I've got him. Take care of Sam."

Kensi joined him at the front of the shack. Blood was seeping through his pants, more than she'd seen since he'd come back from the hospital. "Let me change your bandage."

"I'm good."

"Sam!" Her voice cracked with panic she was trying not to feel and he acquiesced, letting her pull away the blood-soaked cotton and replace it with the new. Her hands were shaking, just from adrenaline she told herself. They'd been in worse situations. They would get out of this.

Callen joined them. "I can't get Deeks up. I think he took a pretty hard hit to the head. Not much we can do unless we get out of here."

Kensi felt her stomach sink her eyes drifting to her partner's prone body.

"We're going to have to have to draw them away from here," Callen said. 'They're not going to stop looking for us once they realize we're not in that car. I'm going to head out over the ridge and draw them out there and then circle around back here."

"I'll go with you," Sam said immediately.

Callen was already shaking his head. "You can barely walk."

"G—"

"It's not a debate Sam," Callen said firmly. "It'll be easier with one anyway. I'll pepper down some gunfire, throw up a grenade or two and get the hell out of dodge. You two stay here and take care of Deeks."

It was a stupid plan, but it was the only one they had right now. Sam's face looked like it had been carved out of stone but he didn't argue further. Callen caught Kensi's eye. "Kens come here and I'll tell you what to do for Deeks."

As they knelt next to Deeks' body Callen lowered his voice. "Listen, if help comes before I get back, take Deeks and Sam and go. Don't come looking for me. I'll find my own way out."

"Sam's not going to leave you."

"Then you do what you have to to make him," Callen said grimly.

Kensi felt sick. "Be careful."

He gripped her shoulder briefly and then was gone.

Kensi turned her attention to her partner who lay still and silent on the ground. Callen had bandaged a gash on his head but blood still oozed from it. She could see a large bump welling up near his temple and the words _head trauma_ shot through her.

She twined her hand with his, trying to hold back tears. They weren't going to fix anything, not his injuries or the broken mess that their relationship had become in the last two days.

"Deeks, baby," she stroked his hair. "Deeks?"

No response. Not even the slightest movement.

It was her fault that he was lying here. He'd come back for her. He came back every, single, damn time for her. She'd told him she wasn't ready to leave, to give up the career she'd worked and bled to build. But watching him, so still and unresponsive, suddenly forced things into a horribly clear perspective: she didn't want to leave her job, but she wanted to keep him more.

His hand twitched and she felt her heart leap. "Baby? Hey! Deeks? Come on, wake up."

His eyes fluttered open and he reached a hand to touch his head. Kensi caught it to keep him from disturbing the bandage. "Deeks, hey, look at me okay?"

His did so but his eyes seemed unfocused. "Did you feed Monty?"

That didn't make any sense. She spoke gently, trying to jog his memory. "We're in Mexico, remember? A rocket hit the car."

He stared at her. "Can you tell Kensi I'm sorry? Tell her I love her."

"Deeks," she felt a swirl of fear. "Deeks, I'm right here."

He rolled onto his side and vomited. "Oh god," Kensi said as she reached for something to try and clean him up.

He moaned. "My head. Why does my head hurt? Kensi?"

"Yeah babe, I'm right here."

"Did you feed Monty?"

If Deeks was repeating himself his injuries were bad. She tried not to think about fractured skulls and permanent brain damage. There was no point in worrying about any of that when there was a chance they might not even survive the next five minutes.

His eyes closed and she squeezed his hand hard. "Deeks, hey, Deeks no, no no! You can't go to sleep! Hey!"

But he'd slipped back into unconsciousness and no amount of cajoling could wake him. Kensi slumped against the wall in defeat. She was trapped in Mexico with an injured partner, a rogue team leader, and a Navy SEAL who was too stubborn for his own good. How the hell were they going to get out of this one?

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A/N: Leave your love in the reviews!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: You guys...I am completely blown away by the support I've received on this fic. Your reviews have been so lovely and kind. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the most amazing community of people and I love interacting with you all! I hope you enjoy the next chapter. One more to come after this!

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Evening had fallen by the time Callen returned. Blood had crusted over the cuts on his arms but he didn't seem any worse for wear. "I drew them off to the north. They're going to circle back eventually though."

"It's starting to get dark," Sam said. "They'll probably call off the search soon, start again in the morning."

"How's Deeks?" Callen asked

Kensi looked down at her fiancé, _or_ _maybe just her partner now_ , she thought darkly. "He's been in and out. He's not making any sense."

"If he wakes up again we need to try and keep him up and talking," Callen said. "How about you? How are you doing?"

Her shoulder burned like it was on fire and her legs felt like lead. "I'm fine. We need a plan. We can't just sit here like this."

"We can't travel in the dark, not with Deeks the way he is."

"Then maybe you and Sam should go."

"What is it with the two of you?" Callen rolled his eyes and almost cracked a smile. "Deeks said the same stuff when we were in the helicopter crash. We're not leaving you. Besides I don't know how far the big guy would get anyway." Sam grunted at this but didn't say anything, apparently finally coming to terms with his lack of mobility. "We'll wait until dawn and then try to hike a ways out. That'll give us a fighting chance."

Was this how Deeks had felt as she lay trapped under twelve thousand pounds of twisted metal? She watched his chest rise and fall, counting every breath, making sure there was another. Was this how it was going to be forever? One of them watching and waiting while the other struggled for life until, one day, somebody didn't wake up?

"You okay?" Callen asked.

She shook her head. "This is my fault. Deeks came because he was worried about me. If we hadn't fought…if I'd just done what he asked, we wouldn't be here."

"We are talking about the same Deeks right?" Callen shifted his weight, leaning his back against the wall. "He didn't come because of you. He came because he's part of the team."

"And because he likes pissing off authority figures," Sam added with a smirk. He was still sitting by the door, his bad leg held straight out in front of him.

Kensi wasn't in the mood for their humor. "You didn't hear him. He wants out. This bar thing, it's serious. And he wants me to go with him."

"So why don't you?" Sam asked.

She looked at them incredulously. "Okay, did you guys knock your heads together during that explosion? Because this is my _job_. I love it. I'm not giving it up to be a housewife."

"Did he ask you to be a housewife? That doesn't sound like him," Callen said.

"What else would I do? My skill set isn't exactly conducive to sitting in an office."

"You could teach," Sam said. "They're always looking for good snipers to train recruits."

"Or consult," Callen offered. "I hear it's good money."

"Drive a Lyft," was Sam's next suggestion.

"Have you been in a car with her? She'd get like negative five stars," Callen said.

"That's a valid point. Blogging?"

Callen smiled. "She could be one of those direct sales people."

"Yeah you and Deeks could be one of those husband and wife teams," Sam said with a grin. "You'd be the brains and he'd be the…hair."

This was taking a strange turn. "Are you guys seriously suggesting I quit?" she asked.

"Of course not. Look, Kens, nobody wants you to leave. We don't want to lose you or Deeks. But if you guys want out, then we'll support you," Callen said. "None of us are going to be in this forever. Most teams don't stay together for nearly as long as we have."

Callen's words hit home. Their team was a family. Would she really be as happy if Deeks left? Hetty would be retiring sooner rather than later. Eventually Nell or Eric would invent something that sent them higher up the government technology food chain. Sam had kids who would some day give him grandchildren. Was she really going to give up the love of her life for twenty more good years, only to be stuck behind a desk, miserable and alone when she was no longer capable of field work?

As she considered this Deeks' eyes blinked open again. "Kensi?" he croaked.

"Yeah babe," she said tiredly.

"Did you feed Monty?"

"Yes baby. Monty's fine. We're all fine." God she hoped that was true. With all the asking he'd done about their furry baby he'd better be in absolutely perfect condition when they picked him up from the kennel.

His eyes closed but she grabbed his hand. "Deeks, babe, don't go to sleep. You have to stay awake okay?"

"My head hurts."

"I know. I know it does. Just hang on okay?"

"Can you tell Kensi I love her?"

"I know Deeks. I love you too."

His started to go out again and she shook him. "Hey! No! Don't go to sleep."

"Kensi?"

"Yeah, it's me babe."

His body went rigid and his eyes rolled back into his head. "Callen!" Kensi yelled and their team leader who scrambled to help. "He's seizing! Hold him still," Callen ordered.

Kensi pushed her partner onto his side waiting the agonizing seconds until the seizure had passed. When it had, Callen pulled open Deeks' shirt. Bruising covered his abdomen. "Damn it. He's bleeding internally. Come on Deeks. Don't do this buddy."

Callen ran a fist over the detective's sternum. He moaned but didn't wake. Kensi covered her mouth with her hands. This could not be the end.

"We've got company!" Sam yelled from his position by the door, struggling to his feet.

"Go," Kensi said. "I'm staying with Deeks."

"If we go down, we go down together," Callen said, checking his weapon.

"Sam? Callen?"

The voice that came through the door was distinctly female and familiar. "Hidoko?" Sam called.

"Oh my god, you guys are all right!"

They opened the door and Harley stepped inside looking perfectly unharmed. "Where the hell have you been?" Callen asked. "We thought you were dead."

"Yeah well, same here," she told them. "We've been looking everywhere for you. Come on. You've got bogies coming in hot. We need to get out of here right now."

"Deeks is injured," Kensi said desperately. "He's not conscious."

"Good thing I brought some help."

Arlo Turk stepped inside. "We really need to stop meeting like this."

It took only minutes to get everyone loaded onto vehicles and then they were tearing off across the desert toward safety.

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A/N: Clearly I'm team #harleyisalive. I love her guys. What can I say? Leave your love in the reviews!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Folks, there are not enough words in the world to describe how grateful I am for your support. Your love for this story has just been amazing and I am so pleased you've all enjoyed it! Thank you for all of your kind reviews. I hope to have more for you soon! Enjoy the last chapter!

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When they finally reached a hospital Deeks was taken away immediately while someone re-stitched the hole in Sam's leg and pushed and prodded Kensi's shoulder until she wanted to scream with frustration. Who cared about her damn shoulder when her partner might not ever wake up?

Harley spent hours on the phone with Hetty. For someone who was supposed to be dead she looked awfully spry compared to the rest of them. There was a story there, but Kensi wasn't interested at the moment.

At last she was allowed to sit by Deeks' bed while a doctor filled her in. Severe concussion. Swelling of the brain. Possible long-term cognition problems. Lacerated spleen. Risk of infection.

They thought it likely that he would wake up and have full function; likely, not definitively. They were hoping to avoid surgery on his spleen, instead pumping him full of drugs in the hope they could get it to heal on its own.

For now his eyes remained closed, his body more battered and bruised than she'd seen it in a long time. The monitors beeped with regularity, the oxygen hissing gently every few seconds.

This was what Deeks had been so scared about. He wanted safety, security, and a level of certainty that their current jobs couldn't provide. It was something she wanted too. But she also loved her job.

She wished the answer were simple and in her heart it felt that way. Deeks was her everything. He was the only person who'd ever even allowed her to imagine a future with a family. But her head told her that she'd worked too hard, that this was the goal she'd set out to achieve and giving it up was the stupidest possible thing she could do.

Deeks' hand twitched beneath her fingers. She realized tears had been coursing unbidden down her face and used her free hand to wipe them away as his eyes opened. "Hey," she said, trying to keep her smile bright. "How are you feeling?"

His face was tight with pain and he looked at her in confusion. "Kens? What…happened?"

"We're in Mexico. We were going after Mosley's kid and they shot a rocket at the car. You've been pretty out of it."

He grimaced and took a shaky breath. "I don't remember."

"That's okay. The doctor said that might happen." With this type of head trauma some amount of amnesia wasn't uncommon. It was possible Deeks had lost days or even weeks before the crash.

"Sam and Callen?"

"They're fine. Everyone's fine, Harley included."

"You're okay?"

"I'm good. Everybody's good except for you."

"Dying?"

"No," she said quickly. "No you're not dying. But it was touch and go for awhile."

"Monty's okay?"

"He's fine babe." With his constant asking she'd actually called the kennel when she had a few spare minutes. Their fluffy ball of joy was having the time of his life without them. At least someone was having fun.

"Okay." His eyes closed again and his breathing uneven.

The doctor came in and wanted to run some tests so Kensi exited the room and found the rest of the team camped out in the hallway. "He's awake," she told them as she slumped into an exhausted heap.

"How's his cognitive function?" Callen asked.

"Slow, but he's not as repetitive as before. The doctor is going to run some tests. How's your leg Sam?"

"Better than your shoulder," he said from where he reclined with it propped up on an empty chair.

Harley came around the corner, finally done with her calls. "Hetty's sending a plane tomorrow morning."

Kensi looked at the team. "I don't think Deeks is going to be travel ready. I'll stay with him. You guys go home and figure out how we're going to explain this mess to SecNav."

"I talked to Mosley too," Harley said tentatively. "She said to tell you all thank you."

"That's the least she could do," Sam grumbled.

"We completed the mission," Callen said. "That's all that matters."

But this time it didn't feel like enough. She'd been a breath away from being executed. Deeks was barely hanging on, and for what? Was it really all worth it for a mission they shouldn't even have been on? Suddenly the weight of it all came crashing down on her and she understood what Deeks had been trying to say: the cost of this job might be too much to ask. When did you draw the line in the sand and say the price had become too high?

The team departed for the hotel, leaving Kensi alone with her partner. The doctor said further testing suggested there was unlikely to be permanent impairment and the swelling was beginning to decrease.

His eyes opened again around 2:00am and this time they seemed a little clearer than before. "You're still here," he said.

"Of course I am."

"I thought maybe…after what we said…"

So he did remember their fight. To be honest she'd almost hoped that memory had been taken along with the others. "Let's not talk about it right now."

"No I want to because I…" he struggled for words, "I can't stand the idea that you think I want to give you up. That's not what I meant—"

"I know," she said. "I know what you meant. I don't want to give you up either."

"Okay, so we're agreed on something," he said.

"I want a wedding and kids and my job. I want all of it. But I want you most of all." She thought carefully about her next words, her stomach twisting so hard she could barely breathe. "So if quitting is what I need to do to make you happy, I'll figure it out."

He shook his head and then winced. "I don't want to force you into something you're not ready for." His eyes met hers and she could tell he was in agony in a way that had nothing to do with his injuries. "But I'm scared. I don't want to lose you. We've had too many close calls lately."

Tears began to flow again unbidden. When had she become such an emotional wreck of a person? Apparently near-death experiences were starting to take more of a toll than they used to. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry, I don't know what the answer is."

"Hey, come here."

He held his arms out and she slid onto the bed, curling up into him. It was such a relief to have him hold her again. When she was in his arms the world felt right and safe. If only it was like that all the time.

"You don't need to be sorry. There's no timetable on this," he said finally. "We can take as long as we want. I think we have to stop fighting this idea that marriage is the only logical next step. Maybe just being together is enough."

"You'd give up the wedding?"

"I mean I want the wedding. I want to be married to you. But if you're not ready for that, we can wait."

"I am ready." She turned so she could face him. "I'm ready to be married to you too."

"Then…let's have a wedding."

"What about the other stuff?" It felt like her heart would beat out of her chest.

"I think we have the same hopes and dreams, we're just not clear on how to get them. So let's get married and the rest will work itself out."

That was a surprising answer. "And what if it doesn't? People get divorced over smaller stuff than careers and kids."

"Are you going to leave me?"

She gripped his hand. "Never."

"And I'm not leaving you. As long as that's our foundation, let the rest of it happen how it happens."

"You'd be okay with that?" She studied his face looking for the truth. He'd do anything to make her happy but she wouldn't let him suffer just for her own sake. If someone had to make a sacrifice, it could be her this time. Somehow she'd make it work.

His fingers brushed another tear from her cheek. "You're my life. As long as you're with me, I'm good."

She looked into his eyes and felt home. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"You need to get some sleep."

"Will you stay?"

She snuggled into his chest, gently so as not to disturb all the wires and tubes. "'Til the end of time and back."

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A/N: I know this didn't exactly solve all of their problems. But that wasn't necessarily what I set out to do. They're in love and in a stalemate, so it's going to take a lot of talking and some compromise to get them to a good place. But hopefully you saw growth in both of them! Thanks again for reading and leave your love in the reviews!


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